I love the Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell song "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". I think, as a parent and spouse, I totally feel this way. I can tell you, if my child was a 1000 miles away and needed me, there is no distance, no mountain, no plague of zombies that would stop me. When the kids were little, I would play this and we would dance in the kitchen, doing the twist with our socks on. It is a happy memory in a happy life.
Not that our lives have been a happy sitcom. Being a blender family has it's challenges. For example, there are two parents that we have to account for in our equation besides my husband and I. I am very fortunate that my ex-husband and I have managed co-parenting our kids better than we did marriage. My husband's ex-wife, well, that has been a roller coaster. Her life has had it's up and downs. A second marriage and divorce. A lot of moving from place to place. A couple live-in's that didn't work out. A third marriage to a man who came in behind the eight-ball so to speak due to all the hills and valleys before him with the kids. Add to that he was very different than the kids and their mom. He is very country. That's not bad, but it is very different. So things have been difficult. Somehow, no matter how many times the kids tell her why they are having problems with their relationship or how much therapy there is, my husband is to blame. So we take the good times when we can all be friendly and pretty much just shut out the bad and disengage with her when it is not so friendly. We hope for the best at all times.
Beyond that, we have had pretty smooth sailing in the step-family line. There is not a lot of "you're not my mother" or "you're not my father". In fact, I don't recall any of our five combined kids ever saying that. I credit that not to me or my husband just being so darned awesome, but rather a simple technique we use. It's quite simple. We do not discipline each other's kids.
That's right. I am a full-time stepmom to my stepkids and I do not discipline them. I have not from day one almost 12 years ago. If one of my stepkids are doing something against the rules, I might give them a gentle, "Hey, you know how dad feels about that?" and most of the time, it stops them and all is right in the world. Same with my kids. D, my husband, will just say, "Hey, if mom hears you, she won't be happy" and they stop. It works good.
But when discipline is needed, we have already communicated behind the scenes so we are both together on what we feel and think. But the bio parent is the one in the line of fire. It keeps the step-parent free and clear from the conflict.
I adore my step-kids, but I am not their mom. They have one and that is fine. I love being a step-mom. Sure, they might call me mom. But I don't pretend to be a mom replacement. I am more like a really close aunt. I get to be the good cop, which is so much better than the bad cop! It helps us to communicate and be close without that conflict. Sure, they know I am on board with dad's discipline and vice versa for my kids. But there is a natural forgiveness a bio parent has that a step-parent doesn't. The step-parent/step-kid relationship is very fragile at times. We have found this helps to not rock that boat.
I hear my fellow step-mom's out there saying, "I am the mom of this house." You don't need to do that and challenge, in the step-kids minds, their own mom's place. I am the wife of my house and I focus on that. My husband and I come up with house rules and we expect the kids to respect us, as their parents, and our spouses, as an adult and family member. And hopefully, it grows from there!
Is my way the only right way? No. But it has worked for us. The key is to not keep beating your head on the wall if what you are doing isn't working. Instead, step back, look at what is working and build from there.
And my kids (those I bore and got for wedding presents alike) know that there absolutely ain't no mountain high enough to keep me away if they needed me. Maybe that is the true key to happiness?
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