Home. It is the place where we are never alone, right? Both figuratively and literally, home is where I am never alone. I have a husband and five sons. I have a cat and dog. I am never alone when I am home. But even if they all left for the day and took my cat and dog with them, I am still not alone. Home. It is a place full of memories and security and safety. Even alone, the red spot on the carpet reminds me that my youngest, N, tried to sneak his Big Red into the living room and spilled it. There is a slight ding in my door frame of my bedroom where my son, L, and husband, D, were moving a piece of furniture and accidentally gouged some paint. And there is this slight, curious smell of teenage boy, both a little sweaty mixed with Polo cologne, that never ever really leaves the house.
I'm not alone here. There are pictures on my wall of my kids and husband and I. There is an adorable picture of my sister and niece from the Carolina's and the snowman they made on a snow day, which is rare, when she was just a little thing on my fridge. There is the annual picture of my mom and all of my kids and my sister's little girl with Santa. Yes, even my 18 year old son, I, still gets a picture with Santa. When I walk down the hall, all the kids individual pictures are in frames on the bookcase. I stopped with the "school pictures" about 8 years ago. I take my own now because I was tired of pictures where their hair stood up and they had lunch on the face. The worst is the fact all five have glasses and there were some where the glare from the lights made it so they looked like they were possessed by the devil.
I'm not alone here. When I go into their bathroom, there are toothbrushes and hair brushes and contact cases and deodorant littering the vanity. There are smudgy fingerprints where they don't actually use the handle to open the vanity and just grab wherever. We won't discuss the aim issue boys have with the potty. Sometimes, if the day is right, I can collect five wash clothes from the shower because, while they remember the towel needs to go in the basket, the wash cloth rarely does.
I'm not alone here. When I walk into my closet, there is a menagerie of stuffed animals in my closet. They are all trophies won or gifts bought for me by my kids or husband. I have a Fozzie that was won for me by my husband on our first family trip to Indiana Beach. I have a Snoopy, Charlie Brown and Woodstock that I got this past holiday season that my sons and husband bought me from Kohl's. And I have my Care Bears. When they came back a few years back, I had to have the Tender Heart and Love-A-Lot Bears because those were my favorite when I was a kid. I can't part with any of it!
I'm not alone here. My kitchen cabinets always look like looters came in and were looking for the "good stuff". I don't know why they root through my spice shelf, but they do! Inevitably, the can of soup they want is in the back and they knock them all over to get them. My kitchen utensils are all organized by color. I guess that doesn't work for them or maybe they are color-blind, but they are always all mixed up.
I'm not alone here. I can smell my husband's cologne and it is like a constant reminder of hugging him and cuddling with him. It is the same thing I smell when I bury my head in his shoulder when we hug. When I see the remotes all lined up in a row on the nightstand, I smile because I know D did it.
I'm not alone here. Every where I look, there are remnants of my children and my husband. And I wouldn't change it for the world. I am never alone, even when no one is around. I can hear their laughter even when they are not here.
Home. It is the only place on this Earth that even when I am physically alone, I am wrapped in the feeling of my family's love.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
I love the Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell song "Ain't No Mountain High Enough". I think, as a parent and spouse, I totally feel this way. I can tell you, if my child was a 1000 miles away and needed me, there is no distance, no mountain, no plague of zombies that would stop me. When the kids were little, I would play this and we would dance in the kitchen, doing the twist with our socks on. It is a happy memory in a happy life.
Not that our lives have been a happy sitcom. Being a blender family has it's challenges. For example, there are two parents that we have to account for in our equation besides my husband and I. I am very fortunate that my ex-husband and I have managed co-parenting our kids better than we did marriage. My husband's ex-wife, well, that has been a roller coaster. Her life has had it's up and downs. A second marriage and divorce. A lot of moving from place to place. A couple live-in's that didn't work out. A third marriage to a man who came in behind the eight-ball so to speak due to all the hills and valleys before him with the kids. Add to that he was very different than the kids and their mom. He is very country. That's not bad, but it is very different. So things have been difficult. Somehow, no matter how many times the kids tell her why they are having problems with their relationship or how much therapy there is, my husband is to blame. So we take the good times when we can all be friendly and pretty much just shut out the bad and disengage with her when it is not so friendly. We hope for the best at all times.
Beyond that, we have had pretty smooth sailing in the step-family line. There is not a lot of "you're not my mother" or "you're not my father". In fact, I don't recall any of our five combined kids ever saying that. I credit that not to me or my husband just being so darned awesome, but rather a simple technique we use. It's quite simple. We do not discipline each other's kids.
That's right. I am a full-time stepmom to my stepkids and I do not discipline them. I have not from day one almost 12 years ago. If one of my stepkids are doing something against the rules, I might give them a gentle, "Hey, you know how dad feels about that?" and most of the time, it stops them and all is right in the world. Same with my kids. D, my husband, will just say, "Hey, if mom hears you, she won't be happy" and they stop. It works good.
But when discipline is needed, we have already communicated behind the scenes so we are both together on what we feel and think. But the bio parent is the one in the line of fire. It keeps the step-parent free and clear from the conflict.
I adore my step-kids, but I am not their mom. They have one and that is fine. I love being a step-mom. Sure, they might call me mom. But I don't pretend to be a mom replacement. I am more like a really close aunt. I get to be the good cop, which is so much better than the bad cop! It helps us to communicate and be close without that conflict. Sure, they know I am on board with dad's discipline and vice versa for my kids. But there is a natural forgiveness a bio parent has that a step-parent doesn't. The step-parent/step-kid relationship is very fragile at times. We have found this helps to not rock that boat.
I hear my fellow step-mom's out there saying, "I am the mom of this house." You don't need to do that and challenge, in the step-kids minds, their own mom's place. I am the wife of my house and I focus on that. My husband and I come up with house rules and we expect the kids to respect us, as their parents, and our spouses, as an adult and family member. And hopefully, it grows from there!
Is my way the only right way? No. But it has worked for us. The key is to not keep beating your head on the wall if what you are doing isn't working. Instead, step back, look at what is working and build from there.
And my kids (those I bore and got for wedding presents alike) know that there absolutely ain't no mountain high enough to keep me away if they needed me. Maybe that is the true key to happiness?
Not that our lives have been a happy sitcom. Being a blender family has it's challenges. For example, there are two parents that we have to account for in our equation besides my husband and I. I am very fortunate that my ex-husband and I have managed co-parenting our kids better than we did marriage. My husband's ex-wife, well, that has been a roller coaster. Her life has had it's up and downs. A second marriage and divorce. A lot of moving from place to place. A couple live-in's that didn't work out. A third marriage to a man who came in behind the eight-ball so to speak due to all the hills and valleys before him with the kids. Add to that he was very different than the kids and their mom. He is very country. That's not bad, but it is very different. So things have been difficult. Somehow, no matter how many times the kids tell her why they are having problems with their relationship or how much therapy there is, my husband is to blame. So we take the good times when we can all be friendly and pretty much just shut out the bad and disengage with her when it is not so friendly. We hope for the best at all times.
Beyond that, we have had pretty smooth sailing in the step-family line. There is not a lot of "you're not my mother" or "you're not my father". In fact, I don't recall any of our five combined kids ever saying that. I credit that not to me or my husband just being so darned awesome, but rather a simple technique we use. It's quite simple. We do not discipline each other's kids.
That's right. I am a full-time stepmom to my stepkids and I do not discipline them. I have not from day one almost 12 years ago. If one of my stepkids are doing something against the rules, I might give them a gentle, "Hey, you know how dad feels about that?" and most of the time, it stops them and all is right in the world. Same with my kids. D, my husband, will just say, "Hey, if mom hears you, she won't be happy" and they stop. It works good.
But when discipline is needed, we have already communicated behind the scenes so we are both together on what we feel and think. But the bio parent is the one in the line of fire. It keeps the step-parent free and clear from the conflict.
I adore my step-kids, but I am not their mom. They have one and that is fine. I love being a step-mom. Sure, they might call me mom. But I don't pretend to be a mom replacement. I am more like a really close aunt. I get to be the good cop, which is so much better than the bad cop! It helps us to communicate and be close without that conflict. Sure, they know I am on board with dad's discipline and vice versa for my kids. But there is a natural forgiveness a bio parent has that a step-parent doesn't. The step-parent/step-kid relationship is very fragile at times. We have found this helps to not rock that boat.
I hear my fellow step-mom's out there saying, "I am the mom of this house." You don't need to do that and challenge, in the step-kids minds, their own mom's place. I am the wife of my house and I focus on that. My husband and I come up with house rules and we expect the kids to respect us, as their parents, and our spouses, as an adult and family member. And hopefully, it grows from there!
Is my way the only right way? No. But it has worked for us. The key is to not keep beating your head on the wall if what you are doing isn't working. Instead, step back, look at what is working and build from there.
And my kids (those I bore and got for wedding presents alike) know that there absolutely ain't no mountain high enough to keep me away if they needed me. Maybe that is the true key to happiness?
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
I believe.
**This post is about religion and my beliefs. I am not writing it to make you see it my way. I believe that every Christian has to read the Bible and discover it's meaning. If you feel different, I respect that and would never ask you to take on my views. If you do not like religion or believe in God, I respect that as well. We are all on our own spiritual journey and no two are exactly alike.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I am a Christian. I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I believe in one God. I believe His story (and ours) is the Bible. I believe the only way to redemption is through His Son, Jesus Christ. I believe I am a sinner and I confess my sins and I repent. I give my heart and soul to Jesus and invite him into my life through the Holy Spirit.
With that said, lately, I have had to defend myself repeatedly to direct and indirect attacks on my faith. I am not a public figure. I am not a minister. I do not believe I am the only person who has it right. But I do believe that the Bible is parable. It was not immediately written down as God was forming the Earth and talking to Moses and all the fun stuff of the Old Testament. And for that matter, nor was it written down immediately when Jesus was born and walked the Earth either. He didn't have a PR guy with him, recordng his every move. Sure, the 10 Commandments were on stone slabs when Moses came down from Mt. Sinai, but beyond that, much of the Bible was written after the fact. It wasn't an on-the-spot account, but rather a remembering or retelling.
Ever play the game telephone? That is where you sit in a circle and one person starts and whispers to the next. By the time it makes it through the circle, it is never the same. You have the personal interests and bias of each individual affecting the retelling of the very short, often four lines or less, story.
So, how can we not expect that some of the Bible will have the inflection of the personal interest and bias of each person who was telling of their experience with Jesus? Or what could be lost or changed in translation? It has been translated many times over to get the King James Version, which is the most widely accepted first English version, which happened in the 16th century.
So, with that said, I believe in a historical interpretation of the Bible. For example, we no longer put people to death for adultery, as directed in Deuteronomy nor do we take our stubborn children to the gates of the city to be stoned by the elders. It would not be accepted in today's world. I also wear wool and linen together, but not often because they are two different seasonal clothing. We all have pushed aside many of the explicit written laws in the Bible. There is no doubt. They were written clearly and purposely. But we do not follow them. Churches perform remarriages, which is explicitly condemned by the word of God. Divorce is only granted under specific circumstances in the Bible, but we widely accept it today.
When we talk about homosexuality or gay marriage, well, that is basically the one thing that we follow with no exception, except, it really isn't explicitly written in the Bible. There are vague references to what some consider to be written against homosexuality. Most are references of sexual immorality or perversion. So, if I think it is perverse to have sex in a hotel room with your spouse because it isn't the marital bed, does that mean it is against God's word? There are references to sexual immorality in the Bible, but not one conclusive list, per se. I am supposed to believe that vaguely written verses that theologians themselves cannot 100% agree the exact meaning of are definitely that of God's word. I don't. I don't believe that homosexuality is a choice. I don't believe being transgender is a choice. And I don't believe God makes mistakes. I believe they are as God intended them to be just as much as he intended me to be heterosexual.
So, I believe this. I don't push it on my fellow Christians. I respect that they believe what they believe. Each of us have a private conversation with God in our lives. Who am I to say I know 100% I am right? I don't have a red phone on my nightstand where I can call him and ask him to clarify some of what he said! (Boy, that would make things easier though!) I respect that you believe you are interpreting the Bible as you think it should be. But so am I. I know I could be wrong. But I don't believe showing kindness and love and acceptance of all people will get me the express train to hell either even if I am wrong, nor do I think if I am right, everyone else is going to hell and I will get the biggest mansion in heaven.
My faith is with no arrogance. My faith is submissive to the word of my Lord and Savior. It would be arrogant of me to think I know the definitive word of God. We are all interpreting the same book. None of us were there. Why is everything a fight? What does my faith and interpretation of the Bible do to you? Why be so angry and so vehement you are right? Is that what God wanted for us? Jesus turned no soul away. None. Not prostitutes, not sinners, not atheists. He welcomed all. He didn't just hang out with the righteous.
99% of my beliefs are pretty much the same as my fellow Christians. But that 1%...it makes me different I guess. I get "You can't twist the Bible to fit your personal feelings.". But, I don't think that is what I am doing. Truth be told, I think that is what the moral majority seems to do. I think we fear what we do not understand and they use the Bible to say, "This is wrong." Just like our ancestors did to justify racism, the treatment of women, the beating of children and many other wrongs that now we accept as being wrong. I believe my children will see the day this isn't the painful debate it is today.
I love all my fellow Christians. Even the ones who attack me and my family. Even the adult who helps with their youth activity at church who continually attacks my children on Facebook because we believe as we do. I love him. I just wish that same love and acceptance was given back in the same spirit. I don't want you to change your beliefs because I say so. Why are you so angry because I won't accept yours? I don't believe this is what Jesus intended.
I'm not sure if I mentioned it, but I am a Christian. I believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. I believe in one God. I believe His story (and ours) is the Bible. I believe the only way to redemption is through His Son, Jesus Christ. I believe I am a sinner and I confess my sins and I repent. I give my heart and soul to Jesus and invite him into my life through the Holy Spirit.
With that said, lately, I have had to defend myself repeatedly to direct and indirect attacks on my faith. I am not a public figure. I am not a minister. I do not believe I am the only person who has it right. But I do believe that the Bible is parable. It was not immediately written down as God was forming the Earth and talking to Moses and all the fun stuff of the Old Testament. And for that matter, nor was it written down immediately when Jesus was born and walked the Earth either. He didn't have a PR guy with him, recordng his every move. Sure, the 10 Commandments were on stone slabs when Moses came down from Mt. Sinai, but beyond that, much of the Bible was written after the fact. It wasn't an on-the-spot account, but rather a remembering or retelling.
Ever play the game telephone? That is where you sit in a circle and one person starts and whispers to the next. By the time it makes it through the circle, it is never the same. You have the personal interests and bias of each individual affecting the retelling of the very short, often four lines or less, story.
So, how can we not expect that some of the Bible will have the inflection of the personal interest and bias of each person who was telling of their experience with Jesus? Or what could be lost or changed in translation? It has been translated many times over to get the King James Version, which is the most widely accepted first English version, which happened in the 16th century.
So, with that said, I believe in a historical interpretation of the Bible. For example, we no longer put people to death for adultery, as directed in Deuteronomy nor do we take our stubborn children to the gates of the city to be stoned by the elders. It would not be accepted in today's world. I also wear wool and linen together, but not often because they are two different seasonal clothing. We all have pushed aside many of the explicit written laws in the Bible. There is no doubt. They were written clearly and purposely. But we do not follow them. Churches perform remarriages, which is explicitly condemned by the word of God. Divorce is only granted under specific circumstances in the Bible, but we widely accept it today.
When we talk about homosexuality or gay marriage, well, that is basically the one thing that we follow with no exception, except, it really isn't explicitly written in the Bible. There are vague references to what some consider to be written against homosexuality. Most are references of sexual immorality or perversion. So, if I think it is perverse to have sex in a hotel room with your spouse because it isn't the marital bed, does that mean it is against God's word? There are references to sexual immorality in the Bible, but not one conclusive list, per se. I am supposed to believe that vaguely written verses that theologians themselves cannot 100% agree the exact meaning of are definitely that of God's word. I don't. I don't believe that homosexuality is a choice. I don't believe being transgender is a choice. And I don't believe God makes mistakes. I believe they are as God intended them to be just as much as he intended me to be heterosexual.
So, I believe this. I don't push it on my fellow Christians. I respect that they believe what they believe. Each of us have a private conversation with God in our lives. Who am I to say I know 100% I am right? I don't have a red phone on my nightstand where I can call him and ask him to clarify some of what he said! (Boy, that would make things easier though!) I respect that you believe you are interpreting the Bible as you think it should be. But so am I. I know I could be wrong. But I don't believe showing kindness and love and acceptance of all people will get me the express train to hell either even if I am wrong, nor do I think if I am right, everyone else is going to hell and I will get the biggest mansion in heaven.
My faith is with no arrogance. My faith is submissive to the word of my Lord and Savior. It would be arrogant of me to think I know the definitive word of God. We are all interpreting the same book. None of us were there. Why is everything a fight? What does my faith and interpretation of the Bible do to you? Why be so angry and so vehement you are right? Is that what God wanted for us? Jesus turned no soul away. None. Not prostitutes, not sinners, not atheists. He welcomed all. He didn't just hang out with the righteous.
99% of my beliefs are pretty much the same as my fellow Christians. But that 1%...it makes me different I guess. I get "You can't twist the Bible to fit your personal feelings.". But, I don't think that is what I am doing. Truth be told, I think that is what the moral majority seems to do. I think we fear what we do not understand and they use the Bible to say, "This is wrong." Just like our ancestors did to justify racism, the treatment of women, the beating of children and many other wrongs that now we accept as being wrong. I believe my children will see the day this isn't the painful debate it is today.
I love all my fellow Christians. Even the ones who attack me and my family. Even the adult who helps with their youth activity at church who continually attacks my children on Facebook because we believe as we do. I love him. I just wish that same love and acceptance was given back in the same spirit. I don't want you to change your beliefs because I say so. Why are you so angry because I won't accept yours? I don't believe this is what Jesus intended.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Times, they are a changin'....
So, as this is my oldest son's senior year, I have been having a little bit of mommy sadness. I have more mommy gladness than mommy sadness, but it is still there. Where did my little boy go? You know, the one in the cute little overalls from Osh Kosh. This one...
Yes, it is hard to believe this little guy just got his first college acceptance letter. I am so proud of him. He has been a joy in my life since the day he decided to come a little early into the world. His dad may have to correct me, but I think I went in labor in Walmart. Yes, it was Walmart. He was three weeks premature. He was healthy, with just a bit of jaundice. But boy, he was a beauty.
My second son was quiet and he laid back and observed the world. But my oldest, he charged head first into the world. He was funny and laughed loud. He still does. His laugh is contagious!
My oldest...he has a heart full of his joy for the Lord and he isn't afraid to show it. I love that about him. He is fiercely faithful and loyal.
He has such faith in people. He believes in people when maybe someone as jaded as I am wouldn't. And he has proven me wrong many times.
I love all my children and each are special in their own way. I know, wherever he ends up in college, he will be successful. I know, when that right woman comes along one day, he will know and she will be special.
I am enjoying this last bit of time before college with him. We talk late at night about what he is looking forward to, what he is reading right now and what his day was like, if he worked that day. I am watching him become this incredible man. I know his graduation will be a day of happy tears. I know the day he goes to college will be more happy tears. But I am glad for the time I am having now with him.
Life moves so fast. Before you know it, a week is gone....a month is gone....a year is gone.... Put your hand out and stop the movement, or just pause it a little every day and try to enjoy what is going on now. We look forward to everything. But sometimes all that looking forward makes us forget to see what is going on today.
I've make sure I have a conversation with each child every day individually. Sometimes it is deep and thought provoking and sometimes, it is just plain nothing! Sometimes they tell me about the funny thing that happened at school. Sometimes it is complaining about the cafeteria serving runny mashed potatoes! But we talk. And then, when the real stuff happens, they tell me that too. You know, the girl that they liked that decided to go out with the guy with the fast car and bad reputation and broke their little heart. Or the kid at school that calls them names and, while they know it isn't true, they need mom to remind them that it definitely isn't true! We talk about movies, religion, politics and music. But the most important thing...we talk. I have had to actually kick them out of my room because I couldn't keep my eyes open because they love to talk! If you are not really talking to your kids, start now. They have so much to say!
My oldest graduates this year. I have two graduating next year (my youngest and my oldest wedding present kid <stepson>). The next year, my middle wedding present son graduates. That will leave just my youngest wedding present son. After four leaving home, I might just keep him! Can you homeschool college ;)
Yes, it is hard to believe this little guy just got his first college acceptance letter. I am so proud of him. He has been a joy in my life since the day he decided to come a little early into the world. His dad may have to correct me, but I think I went in labor in Walmart. Yes, it was Walmart. He was three weeks premature. He was healthy, with just a bit of jaundice. But boy, he was a beauty.
My second son was quiet and he laid back and observed the world. But my oldest, he charged head first into the world. He was funny and laughed loud. He still does. His laugh is contagious!
My oldest...he has a heart full of his joy for the Lord and he isn't afraid to show it. I love that about him. He is fiercely faithful and loyal.
He has such faith in people. He believes in people when maybe someone as jaded as I am wouldn't. And he has proven me wrong many times.
I love all my children and each are special in their own way. I know, wherever he ends up in college, he will be successful. I know, when that right woman comes along one day, he will know and she will be special.
I am enjoying this last bit of time before college with him. We talk late at night about what he is looking forward to, what he is reading right now and what his day was like, if he worked that day. I am watching him become this incredible man. I know his graduation will be a day of happy tears. I know the day he goes to college will be more happy tears. But I am glad for the time I am having now with him.
Life moves so fast. Before you know it, a week is gone....a month is gone....a year is gone.... Put your hand out and stop the movement, or just pause it a little every day and try to enjoy what is going on now. We look forward to everything. But sometimes all that looking forward makes us forget to see what is going on today.
I've make sure I have a conversation with each child every day individually. Sometimes it is deep and thought provoking and sometimes, it is just plain nothing! Sometimes they tell me about the funny thing that happened at school. Sometimes it is complaining about the cafeteria serving runny mashed potatoes! But we talk. And then, when the real stuff happens, they tell me that too. You know, the girl that they liked that decided to go out with the guy with the fast car and bad reputation and broke their little heart. Or the kid at school that calls them names and, while they know it isn't true, they need mom to remind them that it definitely isn't true! We talk about movies, religion, politics and music. But the most important thing...we talk. I have had to actually kick them out of my room because I couldn't keep my eyes open because they love to talk! If you are not really talking to your kids, start now. They have so much to say!
My oldest graduates this year. I have two graduating next year (my youngest and my oldest wedding present kid <stepson>). The next year, my middle wedding present son graduates. That will leave just my youngest wedding present son. After four leaving home, I might just keep him! Can you homeschool college ;)
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