As I mentioned before, I am a bit of a smarty pants. Sarcasm is a family trait and it sure didn't skip me. Normally, they are pretty bland and not mean-spirited. But there are times, there are some zingers, usually in my head, that I have to immediately have a conversation with God about.
When you are in a blender family, like us, you are dealing with three houses: my ex-husband, his ex-wife and ours. When those ex-spouses are in relationships or remarried, you are dealing with more personalities. Sometimes, it is hard. Sometimes, it flows with no problem. I don't think I am telling anyone anything they haven't heard before. We have a blanket rule in our house of "no bad-mouthing" when it comes to our ex-spouses. In our room, with the door closed, we can vent, but in front of the kids, hands off. We even have a "code word" we say to let each other know we are maybe letting our emotions get the best of us and we need to step back.
Lately, that code word has been thrown around a great deal. A few of our kids are going through some really hard times with another family member. It is hard to sit and hold it in when this other family member blames the kids and me and my husband for all the problems that are going on. I have said, "Hopefully, they will come around" so many times, even I think it sounds a little pathetic that the eye roll I get when I try to be optimistic is probably a little warranted.
People get mad at each other. It happens. My kids get mad at me. I get mad at them. But, in this house, we talk it out. I will look one of the kids in the eye and say, "Give it to me...you can say whatever and I promise, I will not get mad". And I own that. I let them say whatever is on their mind and get it out. Then, we can talk about what is going on on. They are KIDS. They are still learning to vocalize and communicate. Part of our job, as parents, is to be open to their thoughts and opinions. I am not saying they are always right or I am always right, but step one in this process is LISTEN.
And I do. As they talk, I am not, in my head, thinking of my comeback. Instead, I am looking them in their eyes and listening. You see, the non-verbal communication is very important. I can look at any of our five combined kids and I can tell when they are lying or when something is really important to them. I can tell by the way the next to the oldest stands whether he is happy or upset. The next to the youngest, I can tell by the look on his face exactly what he is feeling because he wears his heart on his sleeve. The oldest, he is most like his momma in the aspect that he will argue the moon is made of blue cheese. But he does it respectfully. But when he is really upset, his eyes are the window to his soul. You can read it in his eyes. Our "middle" child...well, it is all about his hands. And the youngest, well, he is the easiest. His eyes shift when he lies and, if he has a secret, he giggles and when he is dying to tell me something, he literally will jump up and down. So, it is not about just what they say to me. I get as much from their body language as I do their words.
I just know our kids. I am a people watcher by nature, so, of course, I have spent their lives watching them. Now, back to my problem...when they hurt, I hurt. And when someone hurts them on purpose, doing something they know will hurt them, it is so hard for me to contain my anger. Momma Bear mode kicks in and all those zingers I don't normally say, well, sometimes they escape my brain, travel the neuro-highway to my mouth and I erupt like the homemade volcano the kids made for the science fair a few years back.
Now, given that Mom doesn't usually do that, it is usually met with a little bit of laughter from the family, because it is pretty out of character for me. And, once the moment has passed, I always apologize. It is completely wrong for me to say anything out of line about another family member. And 99.9% of the time, it is not even a chore for me to keep it in. It is just when they are hurt and the hurt is done intentionally.
It is something I am working on. I am practicing a very simple principal: STOP. LISTEN. PRAY. Note, nowhere in there is the word "speak". It is important that the kids know they can talk about anything. So, when I feel it bubbling up, I now STOP. Take a deep breath. Continue to LISTEN. And then simply give it over to God. Let the anger or frustration just roll out and PRAY.
I am flawed and I am sure this will take time, just like every positive change I have ever made in my life. But I have five very good reasons to do it and they all call me "Mom".
I promise to keep the zingers to myself. Mmmm...Zingers...do they still make those?
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