Tonight, my youngest wedding present son (stepson), N, came home from his weekend with his mom. He told me a story. From the outside, it was a harmless story. But as he told me, the look on his face told me it was bothering him deeply.
We have a, shall we say, contentious relationship between our home and his mothers. Right now, it is pretty much business only, as I have said before. So, as he was telling me his story, it broke my heart. Here goes:
N wanted to bring a few Hot Wheels cars to our house from his mom's. She said no and finally relented on he could take four. And she patted down his pockets to make sure he didn't take more. And got mad at him. When he told her they were his, she promptly said that she paid for them. (I guess her idea of "gift" and mine are different.)
I could read the tension on his shoulders. I could see he felt guilty (because he took more than four). Ironically enough, half of them were cars he got for gifts at our house that he had taken over to her house and forgot. But nonetheless, he was carrying this weight.
I let him tell his story. Less than $10 worth of cars and it was so important to her that she did this to her son? We don't have rules regarding their things at our house. We tell them they can take them, but if they forget them, that's on them. But it is their stuff to do with what they want. At one point we did ask them to not bring her stuff here because we used to get crazy emails about returning it, like we even knew they brought it to our house! We have five kids and rooms of stuff and clothes. Did I really notice they accidentally wore your Nike t-shirt over here when there are 20 Nike t-shirts in my laundry weekly with five boys? No.
Now, keep in mind, she has little to no relationship with the oldest two wedding present kiddos. And this is a large part of why...the constant unnecessary conflict. We all know that relationships have conflict. This particular fight, well, she has had it with the other two as well. When their grandmother died (her mom), it was hard for the kids. My middle wedding present kiddo, Z, well, he wanted to bring a photo of him and his grandmother here. She wouldn't let him. She told him if it wasn't for her, Z would not have grandma in his life so the picture stayed with her.
Yes, I am completely serious.
And it goes one step further. She hates when they wear clothes from our house at her house. She will demand they take them off. The kids pick out their own clothes and use birthday money and Christmas money and grandparents money to shop themselves. Most of their stuff...they bought. Yet, it is "your dad's clothes". Yes, you are right. Those skinny jeans my husband hates...they are really his. No, not even. But instead of just picking her battles, she picks them all.
Countless phone calls we would get from the older two, crying, begging us to pick them up after these insane fights over nothing or silly things like what shoes they are wearing to church. Both are athletic shoes, but she wants them to wear the ones she bought, not the ones they bought when they are here. As much as I hate they don't go to her house, I would be a total liar if I said I missed those calls. The peace that has come from them disengaging with her for them and us has been nice.
Sitting on the outside looking in, I could bullet point all the things that drove them away. They love her. There is no doubt about that. But they couldn't handle the constant drama. All the therapy we took them to with her. All the times my husband forced them to go. All the tears. All the begging to please not make them go. It broke my heart to watch my husband go through it. It wasn't until a therapist said they were at the age that they needed some choice and for him to just encourage them to go that we saw the kids have peace.
And now, I am see the same early signs that I watched the other two go through. The sadness in his eyes. The unnecessary fights over meaningless things. And the begging has started. There is no urgency and fear, like the other two had at the end, but this his how it start with them too.
As a mother, I grieve for my stepchildren. They love their mother so much and it is easier to not see her than to see her and that makes me so sad for them. I grieve for their mother who has no idea what she is missing out on. I watch my husband be attacked in texts and emails because he won't physically push them out of the front door anymore.
This is my message to my stepchildren's mother:
Because of you...
I have spent so much time (so willingly) hugging your children because their hearts were broken.
Because of you...
I have watched B and Z go through literally the stages of grief as they tried to make heads or tails of what to do.
Because of you...
I've lost so much time with my husband and our combined kids doing normal family stuff. Weekly therapy, weekly group, late nights listening to your children cry...all of that took away from us just being a family.
Because of you...
I love our combined kids, but I also cherished those every other weekends when my kids were with their dad and yours were with you because that was my time with my husband, D. During your parenting time, that was our time to be married and focus on us. You took that away. I know that sounds selfish, but we were never married with no kids. We used that time to grow our marriage and we miss that.
Because of you...
I spent many sleepless nights fretting over your children. When they were so sad and said things like, "I just wish I was dead", D and I took turns pacing the floor at night.
Because of you...
I worry about the parents they will become. We learn to be parents from our parents. I can only hope they sort the good from the bad, because you did have good. There were times, usually in between your relationships, that you were a great mother. I hope they hold on to that.
Because of you...
I am leaving the last one blank. I want you to fill that in. I want you to stop, look at your amazing children, because they are amazing, and realize that you messed this up. D didn't make you move 16 times in 11 years. D didn't make you go from man to man, looking for happiness, when you should have been nurturing your relationship with your kids. D didn't do this. You did. And until you accept that, that last one will be blank. I so want their ending with you to be a happy one.
End of message.
So tonight, as he told me his story with his sad eyes, I gave him a hug. I told him maybe you had a bad day or something else was wrong. I made the excuses I have made so many times before.
Because of you...I had 20 minutes of time with your son. I listened because, really, that is all he wanted from you, to listen to him and love him enough, to love him more than $10 worth of Hot Wheels.
Because of you...I am a better mother to my children and stepmother to yours.
As the song (Because of You, Kelly Clarkson) says...
I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
